all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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