five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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