Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
