My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
