Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
