On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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