my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
