I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
