I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
