if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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