Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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