Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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