Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
