If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
don't judge my taste in strippers
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
