I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
