I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
