I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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