I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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