You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
