We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
