He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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