I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
