Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
