I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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