u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
