its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
