Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
