I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So squirting runs in the family.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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