I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Umm I'm too high to move.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
