he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
