soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
