Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
