she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
