I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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