Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
