Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
