god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sober January is a disaster.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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