I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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