drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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