I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Damn victory sex feels great
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