When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
