Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
