I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
