I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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