Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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