While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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