I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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