Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
