Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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