JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
