Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
